Confessions of A Peanut Butter Junkie

So they decided to murder me instead. I swear I am not making this up.
Now it’s February 2004. I get an invitation to my sister Cathy’s wedding. This is to be her 3rd, but my first. Meaning I was not in attendance at her previous 2 trips down the aisle. She’s getting married on Valentines Day. Feb 14 2004.
I decide that yes I will be going to this wedding. I was hoping to save what was left of relations with my Irish Catholic family. Hell I went out and bought two new suits for the occasion. Not to mention a couple of bottles of Korbel.
Some really odd things happened that night. My sisters insisted that I stop out at a Gazebo somewhere out on St. Pete Beach. It’s raining and there I am in my new suit standing alone at this Gazebo. Now they tell me the reason I am standing there in the rain is that they are planning to have the wedding ceremony at this Gazebo and the reception out at my sister’s place. Who am I to doubt them? But the weather is not so great, it’s windy and rainy. My half-assed recon mission out at the Gazebo on St. Pete Beach is called off and I am instructed to head to my sisters place. The wedding and the reception will take place right there.
I have to be honest; I did not think getting married on Valentines days was such a hot idea, in fact, I thought it was like giving your marriage the kiss of death even before it got started. But it was not my wedding.
Maybe things would have turned out differently if I had been drinking beer. But it was an occasion and so instead of beer, I was drinking champagne. No it’s not true. It would not have made any difference no matter what I was drinking.
Did I tell you I am a convicted Felon? Those are scarlet letters. Hell those are scarlet NEON letters. I can’t even get a job. I can’t vote in the presidential elections. I can’t leave the country.
But I was not a convicted Felon on the night of February 14 2004. Back then I was just citizen Donnelly. Kenneth G. Donnelly.
I left my sister Cathy’s wedding reception at around 11 P.M., but instead of going home, I stopped by my favorite bar Georgies Alibi.
On the night of my sisters wedding, Valentines Day someone slipped me the date rape drug. You know Gamma Hydroxy Butyrate. GHB. How do I know this? Because in the early morning hours of February 15, 2004 I was involved in a high speed car accident. I totaled the Geek Mobile, and when someone pulled me from the wreckage of my own car you know what really hurt? My ass. My buttocks, as in someone slipped me the GHB, fucked me like a doll and then put me into my little Geek mobile and sent me off like a torpedo to die. And I probably would have except I was wearing my seat belt and the air bags deployed. I swear I am not making this up.
You know how many people I’ve told about my sore ass? Exactly none. But guess who starts talking about anal tearing and rape at Mercury Insurance? You guessed it. My favorite BI Adjuster, Mike Murphy. He desperately wanted me to know that he had something to do with what happened to me. You gotta love the guy. You really do. Milk of human kindness and all that. But once again I stayed cool.Guess who acted shocked to see me when I did show up for work? Old Scott Villwock. It wasn’t meant to be!
He had the look of a man who was sure he was seeing a dead man walking. A ghost!
Other than my torn ass, the only injury I had was from the seat belt. It dug into my chest pretty good. I had some upper body pain. One small cut on my elbow. I can’t figure the injury to my elbow. I was wearing my suit including the jacket. The jacket wasn’t torn but I had a small cut on my elbow. I refused to go for treatment. A couple did leave the scene of the accident in an ambulance, but they were mostly scared and shaken up. They were not seriously injured. There was no blood at the scene of the crash. The other car could have been driven from the scene had the couple not gotten into the ambulance. I refused to get into the ambulance because I knew that I was not seriously injured, and I also knew that a ride in the ambulance was running about one thousand dollars at that time.
I could have walked away from the scene of the accident. The state troopers were running the scene and none of them seemed to realize that I had been driving one of the vehicles involved. Hell they had the Geek Mobile up on a flat bed and were about to hall it away when I walked over and asked where they were taking it.
That’s when I was arrested for DUI. Trooper Cross. That was his name. He drove me around for a while. Made me take the field sobriety test.
By March of 2004 I was a convicted felon. But I was still working for Mercury Insurance at 1901 Ulmerton Road Clearwater, FL 33762.
I hung on for another year or so, thanking god all the while for the joys of public transportation. People in the BI dept. seemed to groan. They just couldn’t figure my luck. How could I still be making it to work each day?
The bus ran right by my apartment. Number 98. And it took me right to the office.
Getting home wasn’t as easy, but it was doable.
And then they started to poison me again. With the drug that leaves my throat scratchy. I was hustling across the street after work each day and picking up orange juice at the Publix. It seemed to help with that odd sensation in my throat, but it did nothing for the insomnia and the horrible feeling when I would wake up and not feel rested at all.
So I started to wear the surgical gloves and the painters mask to work again.