Confessions of A Peanut Butter Junkie

Only that’s not even the half of it.
Did I tell you about Kelly Dorr? Or maybe it’s Dore? Not sure about the spelling. She worked at Mercury Insurance. I think her mom worked at Transitions Optical. There was a lady named Debbie Dorr out at Transitions Optical. She was a huge fan of mine. She’d seen my show, or heard about it.
Remember they had bugged my house, my phone, my car and my computer.
The weirdest thing about working at Transitions Optical was the boners. That’s right. The erections. I had one that lasted 3 hours. I had to cover myself up with a sweater by tying it around my waist.
The other really strange thing about working at Transitions Optical was the corporate culture. They had masterminded the most cut throat corporate culture I have ever witnessed and I have worked for some huge companies.
The regular full time employees at Transitions Optical were some very angry over worked individuals. And every so often they had to train a new temp. A few months would pass or maybe just a few weeks, and then they would have to train a new temp. again.
And so on. Into infinity. They hated training the temporary employees.
Everyone at Transitions Optical had to work every other Saturday.
Someone once asked me how did I like working at Transitions Optical?
“They have the same system down in hell,” I said. “An endless lake of fire and you never get a day off.”
I worked with a woman named Carole. Or maybe just Carol. If you think I’m nuts-look this lady up. She was totally and completely out of her fucking mind. And she had it in for this poor young lady I worked with. They were at each others throats so often I had to step in and tell them just to shut the fuck up once. When I lose my cool I do it in style.
And the boners. Night after night I was dosed with dick juice and I have no idea how this stuff was getting into my system. I was required to wear gloves as part of the job… so I just can’t figure it.
It could not have been healthy. This stuff, it wasn’t really making me horny so much as it was making me feel …almost itchy. Like I had to touch myself. Or Fuck someone’s brains out. It was creepy. And I couldn’t ignore it. If I did I would get the freaking blue balls like you wouldn’t believe.
So what was I doing. I was getting home as quickly as I could and beating off. Shamelessly. It was like someone had created a perfect hell just for me.
John P. Donnelly had something to do with this. He’s guilty. There can be no other answer. I count this as betrayal number two. The first was when he said I could live with him and then rented the expensive apartment. It just was not worth the investment. Not for me. If I had a wife and kids maybe. But it was just me. What did I need with a huge two bedroom apartment?
Don’t get me wrong I loved the apartment. I even started to cook again. Betty Crocker, she had her way with me. I made Lasagna just about once a week when the money started coming in again. I cooked a lot of chicken. I would buy those ready made meals where you just add the chicken and let it simmer on the stove top until the meat is cooked. They’re not great, but they beat the crap out of frozen dinners.
And I was always baking a cake or making brownies. I love doing shit like that.
I was a prisoner. A slave. A crazy Irish Catholic motherfucker being dosed with dick juice night after night, shamelessly beating off and looking at porn online each morning after work.
I was doomed at Transitions Optical before I ever set foot in the door.
Spherion called me one day and said that they would not need me back. I was so relieved, even though I knew what was coming. It was mid June 2006. I had two weeks to find yet another job… and a roommate.
The two weeks went by, and by now my brother and I weren’t even speaking to each other. I think I was mad at him because he left me at the Laundromat one day and I had to call a cab to get home. I think he may have been mad at me because I didn’t fall in love with someone at Transitions Optical. The lease was up on June 30th 2006.