Confessions of A Peanut Butter Junkie

Oh! I almost forgot about Ronny Hancock, or maybe Handcock, I’m not to sure about the spelling. A couple of weeks before they fired me Mercury Insurance hired a guy named Ronny Hancock to do my job. Of course it was my duty to train him. Ronny Hancock was ordinary in every way but one. I had seen him online in a gay porn film. Ronny was in a swing getting banged by some dude. I did not hold this against him in any way shape or form. What he wants to do on his own time is his business, I thought.
But I did not really want to hang out with this guy either. I told you how they were always moving us all around at Mercury Insurance, well in the end I was stuck in a cube with Ronny Hancock. It was like we were sharing an apartment together. I swear I am not making this up. Then one day Scott Villwock came up to me and asked what bus I was taking to work, he said he wanted to know because Ronny was going to put his car in the shop and maybe he would be taking the bus a few mornings. I did not really want to tell Scott what bus I was taking in the morning. I thought the guy might just drive by and shoot me at my bus stop –oh the joys of public transportation- you gotta stand there and wait. It’s part of the fun! I actually told Scott Villwock , my boss this. Then I told him I didn’t really want Ronny Hancock on the bus with me. I did not tell Scott Villwock I had seen Ronny Hancock in a porno movie online. I may have called Ronny Hancock a weirdo. I know, I know who am I to be calling other guys weirdoes? I guess I didn’t want to be on a bus with Ronny Hancock because I did not want to befriend him, because I did not want to be in an online porno movie fucking him in the ass while he was all trussed up in a sex swing. There I said it. Just like pulling a band aid off. Real quick and there’s just about no pain at all.
I take almost full responsibility for the Ronny Hancock debacle. See Mike Murphy had once asked me what I would be doing if I could be doing anything I wanted.
“Two more inches and a full head of hair and I’d be doing gay porn,” I said. I was joking.
I was joking. Of course back then I was still healthy. I had wash board abs and no one to share them with. Ronny Hancock. What a character he was. He had a goofy catch phrase, something he would say often that he may or may not have know he was saying, but right now I can’t remember it.
So it’s April 2005. I am unemployed and unemployable, and the sons of bitches they still won’t leave me alone.
For me the best thing about not having to work was the video games. I still had my Xbox with Xbox Live, and a broad band connection to the internet through Time Warner posing as EarthLink. The next best thing was collecting unemployment without ever leaving my apartment at 810 1st Ave NW apt. 1 Largo Florida 33770.
I would apply for jobs, but because I am a convicted felon, not many employers were calling me for those interviews. So I hold up in my apartment and played games like
Rainbow Six, Rainbow Six Black Arrow, Halo 2, and Splinter Cell Chaos Theory.
I went on a massive gaming binge playing a demo of a game called Battlefield 2 Modern
Combat.
It would have been perfect, except someone stalked me into the virtual world. I’m pretty sure it was the care taker at 810 1st Ave NW Apt. 1 Largo Florida 33770. The caretaker at the Westside apartments was a cop named John. John had an Xbox. But I haven’t ruled out anyone that I had been working with at Mercury Insurance including guys like Mike Murphy and Shawn Phillips.
Zozer-X. That was my gamer tag through the Xbox live service. You get voice over IP with Xbox live and one time I heard Ronny Hancock loud and clear. There was just no denying it was him because he blurted out his little catch phrase. To bad I can’t remember it now.
I hate to admit it, but following my dismissal from Mercury Insurance I started to drink again. I would walk a few blocks over from my apartment to a little place called O’Houstons Irish Pub at 518 W Bay Drive Largo Florida 33770. I never got totally trashed, but I would catch a pretty good buzz sometimes. Admitting I drank after the DUI is the only behavior I am ashamed of in this entire story. It just isn’t right. Even if I was not driving. If you drink after an arrest for DUI you really are an alcoholic.
Did I tell you that Mike Murphy’s mother worked at Mercury Insurance in the Legal Department. She did. I was completely indifferent about this woman. I had no real feelings about this lady one way or the other. But I’m sure her and one of her friends popped into O’Houstons Irish Pub one night while I was there drinking. She pretty much called me an old dirty bastard. I just smiled and passed her the wine list.
I should have thanked her. Her bad behavior was just enough incentive to get me to quit drinking. I ran into my neighbor Tony at O’Houstons Irish Pub one night. He told me that his brother is in the CIA. Yeah I mean that CIA-the Central Intelligence Agency.
Yawn. Sure…and I’m the Queen of England in a clever disguise.
I got to see “Star Wars Revenge of The Sith” at a midnight show on May 19, 2005. I wasn’t working but I had money in the bank, was collecting unemployment, and have been a huge Star War fan since 1977. The prequels suck. But it was nice that I had no where to be that night.