Confessions of A Peanut Butter Junkie

On Friday April 5th 2005 I was excited about leaving the office of Mercury Insurance at 1901 Ulmerton Road Clearwater FL 33762 because I was going to be taking a week off. Instead I got the rest of my life off because the guy running the BI dept., Scott Villwock, fired me for no reason at all. He fired me after a failed attempt to “manage me out” that included poisoning me so often that I had started to come to work wearing surgical gloves and a painters mask.
This time when Scott called me into a conference room for a little chat he didn’t even mention the gloves or the mask. You know what ground the idiot stood on? He said I was missing to much time from work. Missing to much time from work? You’ve got me wearing surgical gloves and a mask just so I can be healthy enough to come to the office and kiss your sorry ass-and you’re going to sit there and tell me I’m missing to much time from work. I busted my ass while I worked for Mercury Insurance. Hell I even became a “yes man” of sorts. They tried repeatedly to get me to lose my cool, but for the most part I never did. When the man said jump-I said How High?
There was no big scene. They told me to pack up my troubles so that’s what I did. The only thing that really pissed me off is for some stupid reason while I was in the conference room they had “cleaned off” my desk. So on my way out I could not get me gym bag. I told you I had the habit of going to the gym either on my lunch break or after work. Well I would bring a gym bag with a change or two of clothes and I would put it under my desk. They had to go and take my gym bag. So I marched the fuck on out with out it. What was I gonna do? I get just about to the curb of Ulmerton Road and two fools come out of the building carrying my gym bag. Golly thanks guys. You’re all heart.
I wish the story ended there but it doesn’t. Not yet. There is more to tell about Mercury Insurance. I cut a lot out. I should tell you about Ellie Ardalani. Not her real name. She was from the Mid-east, and her real name was hard for most people to pronounce- so she came up with an alias that she used. I mean she had a fake name on the door of her corner office.
I told you that I am polite. That I say please. And thank you. That I never really use curse words. Especially at work. But I have a way of being extremely impolite. It’s not on purpose. It’s just the way I am. Here’s how I am impolite. If I bump into you some where-it doesn’t matter where- I may not look at you or even acknowledge you. What could be ruder than that? But I often feel insecure-even shy and if I feel this way I may or I may not look you in the eye and give you a greeting. You know how I feel about this. I feel if I do not –well tough shit.
Ellie Ardalani hated me for this, probably from the day I got to Mercury to the day I walked out without my gym bag. She would send these smarmy emails to the whole company and preach about smiling and saying hello to your coworkers. Yeah just what my coworkers need a little sunshine from the crazy Irish Catholic Motherfucker.
It wasn’t enough that I did my job with a ruthless efficiency…I had to make this bitch happy to be alive every time I bumped into her. I swear if I could have jammed a giant Hallmark up her ass and called it a day…I would have!
Ellie Ardalani may have been second in command. Meaning she was behind only Jack Daugherty in the chain of command at Mercury Insurance. One of her jobs was deciding who got how much when bonuses were passed out. One year I got over two grand. I swear I am not making that up. The next year I got just over six hundred dollars. You should have seen the look of disappointment on Ellie Ardalani’s face when I thanked her profusely for my six hundred dollars and got the hell out of her office. To this day I figure the reason they call it a bonus is that it is money you didn’t necessarily earn. So it was an EXTRA six hundred dollars. Of course an EXTRA six hundred is not the same as an EXTRA two thousand. But you don’t sweat it when someone is giving you money. You just don’t. Six hundred bucks. That’s what I got because I could not make this bitch in her corner office happy with a smile and greeting every time I bumped into her.
Did I tell you I like coffee? I think Dunkin Donuts makes the best coffee on the planet. But it ain’t cheap. So in the mornings as I was getting ready to go to work at Mercury Insurance I would make some coffee and drink it in my apartment at 810 1st Ave NW apt. 1 Largo FL 33770.
One morning I am sitting at my desk at work and I am drinking a cup of coffee that I bought at this little café on the first floor at 1901 Ulmerton Road Clearwater Florida 33762, and Mike Murphy comes up to me and asks why am I so tired that I would need 3 cups of coffee to get going. This really freaked me out, because this was only my FIRST cup of coffee-at work. He was right. I had had two other cups-while I was in my apartment at 810 1st Ave NW apt 1 Largo Florida 33770. I stayed cool, and was actually thankful that this stupid fat bastard had finally perjured himself and had finally let slip what I had known for some time. That they had bugged my apartment, my phone, my car and my computer.
There was a young lady at Mercury Insurance named Priscilla Bowling who jumped at every chance she could to be a total and complete cunt to me. Sorry to use that kind of language but there is just no other way to describe this woman’s behavior. She once bitched at me for about five minutes because she didn’t care for the way I answered my phone at work. Here’s how I answered my phone, “Mercury Insurance this is Ken how can I help you?” I can see how that would really piss you off SURE I can. I’m such a bad boy.
Now it’s May 2005. I’m unemployed and unemployable. And the sons of bitches they still won’t leave me alone.